Hello again Ilona. I really hope that you are well...
It's been, and still is being, a bit of a roller-coaster ride for me since we last communicated. At this time of writing I feel incredibly clear, relaxed, free - like the shackles have been removed. But it has by no means been like that all the time these past few days.
In fact I feel I have visited some rather dark places. Particularly I have experienced doubt, anxiety, disaproval and even despondency.
It is strange to say that for me because the experience has been different to the usual experience of having those emotions.....
Yes, they have been labelled, given a name, mainly because they were so familiar it seemed impossible not to - in eyes open waking life anyway....
And there was contraction, tension. But the mind did not take hold of the usual stories and the emotions were felt more fully and deeply like I had been dipped in a river of emotion, only it was more like I was the river of emotion.
Then closing the eyes, the labels vanish, the emotion is experienced so fully it is like bliss, and the river moves on.
Perhaps it is not true that the usual stories did not take hold. Today I experienced doubt so strong I thought everything was gone. The 'seeing' seemed like distant past. Then, the mind did take hold. That would not shift, it had become me and me it. It was only when the eyes were closed that the contraction was really felt and things moved on.
I have no idea where I am at with all this. I oscillate between the new life and the old. Between periods of contraction, tension and dark (felt) emotion to periods of clarity, flow, freedom and bliss.
I find myself in your hands. I feel I have seen but at times that seeing recedes so far it is difficult to make out. I would like it if you could test me some more. It needs to be real...
Here are some notes of the past few days which may give further insight into what is occurring.
Thursday: lots of thinking, doubt, trying to reconnect with experience. Felt like approaching chaos. In evening, saw it again, so clearly, the self making stories
Friday: - relaxed, in flow, all came back. Evening, one reaction, mild panic, leveled out. Sensation and emotion felt like infinite sea of energy today, almost frightening (when the mind tried to label). Meditation now = closing eyes. Attention and continuity of awareness. Who is doing that? Continuity seems present, even without thinking mind
Noticing when self creates itself, tension and alienation arise. Being in flow = breadth & relaxation.
A good friend sent empathetic email: "I imagine that the uncertainty over the op must be frustrating ". This seemed absurd to me. There was no frustration, nor me to get frustrated. It was what it was, just flow.
anxiety in life, move to eyes closed = bliss
eyes closed, who is thinking? move to infinite space, no sense of center, thinking mind falls away, no location anywhere
so funny this mind, the tricks it plays, the web it weaves, but still catches 'me' sometimes (who finds it funny?)
still feeling contraction but story gone, or caught in awareness quickly
stronger the emotion of the story, more easily caught
main story = doubt - less prevalent today
anxiety disapproval, emotion felt, familiar - labelled, no story but felt = not always pleasant - ask who is feeling, obvious only feeling, sensation, thought - but still felt
easier eyes closed, busy life, harder to get a handle on it all
Saturday: been with kids all day, just responding, no decisions made, endless serving, body tired, needing rest, tiredness not like it used to be, felt now, no longer a story
feeling & emotion experienced more like energy now
another bout of doubt - strange, not doubting the understanding of the delusion but whether 'my' 'seeing' was strong or sufficient enough
Spent two hours holding daughter tonight. So much patience, no effort required. Just responding. Realising much of tension in life has resulted from what I want to do v what is wanted from me. Just stories I create.
reoccurring thoughts - the search of the thinking mind to make sense of all this? - in what sense does this world then exist? if you are the object of perception then are you not me? you ask me to look at direct experience but who are you asking and who is looking? is there not continuity of awareness - is there not an awareness of 'time', of consequences - i hold my daughter and i know if i drop her she will fall...... how to make sense of this world in which we live?
Once again, hoping you are well, and thanking you for your time....
... dancing in the ebb and flow of attention, more present than the breath, I find the origins of my illusions.... - Nirmala