Now look, what is this narrator? Is this commentator talking to you or about you? What is that listens to it? What is that believes, that commentary is true? What is behind the commentary, is there I that is talking?
Explore this and write what you notice.
Hi Ilona! Well I have to tell you found this quite difficult and I had thought it would be relatively easy given my background! I am not entirely on solid ground as I write this so please bear with me!
First of all, I cannot turn the thinking mind onto the thinking mind. As soon as I notice the thinking and try to think about it, a new thought process has started and the other one vanishes and I cannot access it - I even struggle to access a memory of it. So I can only appear to hold one thought process at any given time.
However, I can become aware of the thought process without thinking about it, through awareness. And though this awareness seems to dissolve the thinking, I can at least catch the end of the chain of thoughts. Here's what I noticed:
The thoughts are generally descriptive. Similar to the way I write these posts. They describe what I am thinking, what I am going to say to someone, what I am going to do, how someone is etc.
Usually I am talking to someone, or to myself - at least it has that feeling that I'm expressing my opinion or justifying myself or some other self-referential position.... putting across opinions, my point of view etc.
There is no cohesion to them. They arise based on things I experience through sense perception (a person I know, a familiar song etc) or through the mind (Memories, fantasies, etc) and proceed on an associative thinking basis.
They take the form of a monologue and they are pretty much pure fantasy - without any substance. Just imaginings of the future or past. They never come to fruition in life.
Thus, the 'commentator' is perhaps a bad term to use. Perhaps 'fabricator' is better!
So whereas before I said its like a film with the commentator commentating, its more like a film where this thinking is just part of the film.
Is this commentator talking to you or about you?
It is talking about me and about anything. It is just talking - but it is self-referential and so it appears to be talking to someone, whether that be me or someone else - but it is just talking, that's what it does
What is that listens to it?
Nothing listens to it, though in a way you could say it listens to itself. As in the next thought proceeds from it. Feelings can arise in dependence upon it.
What is that believes, that commentary is true?
The thinking mind. It reinforces itself. Fueled by feelings. So I think someone has harmed me. Strong feelings arise. The thought is reinforced.
What is behind the commentary, is there I that is talking?
No. It is just thought. Incessant useless thoughts that just keep arising and perpetuating themselves.
However................ and I think I'm about to impute a self here....
There is a gap between the thought processes where I find myself in awareness. It's very still and very quiet, and spacious and can be aesthetically beautiful. But there are no thoughts, no strong feelings. Sense perception and sensations are still there but they seem to be held by something bigger which I can only describe as awareness. I suppose like the awareness that becomes aware of the thinking mind.
That awareness seems to be there when the self slips away, but I wonder if I am just imputing a new self where the old one was?