Thank you for your help. A lot is moving here.
Ok. It is not a "need", it is an ego desiderata.1. 'I feel the need to experience truth'.
I ALWAYS experience truth. I didn't see it before.
I split life in two parts: one when an observer is present and one when it isn't. A kind of observer is ALWAYS there observing life expressing itself through me. Sometimes it is very "present", most of the time it isn't.
Anyway the observer can do nothing in either cases: it can observe but not interact to change the mind thoughts and actions.
Alex is a body, Alex is a mind, Alex is just a machine. If the mind lets it, Alex can even observe himself, but if and only if the mind will allow this.Please consider this (not quickly) and then tell me: what are you referring to when you say 'I'?
In the present moment if the mind will let it, Alex can remember himself to observe, but what he is observing is kind of automatic. It is just a reaction to a mind decision. This decision cannot be discussed or reversed by the observer.
"I" is a collection of labels. "I" am Alex, "I" am a programmer, "I" am tired/happy, "I" believe or don't believe. "I" is a collective label to identify all Alex' features: body, rules, habits, needs, urges, feelings...
There is nowhere this "I", only perhaps in some brain circuits where experiences and memories are stored.
While I write this the skin is "shrinking". My fingers are flying on the keyboard and watching them it is like they are somebody's else. Colors are very vivid.
What am I? There is nothing there. I need to go deeper in this.
(I don't feel the "pop" to tell me I'm cross the gate and I feel disappointed.)
The "voice" inside is low, telling me what to write to impress you. It is difficult to be impartial and non-judging.
The voice is not always there. I just walked out from the office through the company and there was no voice: everything looked so "bright", so "colored".
I cannot even talk about an "observer" because it is so different from the observer I experienced during meditation.
To complete what I wrote two days ago: I can identify now 3 observer modes:
1) the observer as an absence (most of the time): the body/mind is working on its own accord without me even being into the moment. The internal voice is dominant.
2) the observer as a presence experienced during meditation: it is an attempt to be here and now, with the voice checking and calling me back to presence when I'm distracted by something. On Saturday I discovered that, contrary to what I believed, type 1 and 2 are very close cousins, and type 2 is worth nothing. What have I been doing for years during meditation?
3) the new-observer completely detached from what I'm doing. Just experiencing.
My mind is inventing dialogs with you, my body is keeping me anchored to pure and very basic sensations with this "ants crawling on me" feeling all over my skin.
I feel like ready to cry without a reason. It is powerful. No, there is a reason: tears comes when I try to affirm that the most important part of myself, what I called "Alex", is made of smoke and illusion.
Rationally I'm more than ready to affirm this. Intellectually I know I will come to see this because I read it plenty of times before. But my body reacts with tension and tears.
It is getting stronger each time I put my attention on these words.
Mark, I'm writing a lot of this stuff and reading it as a fresh thought. I was really not going to write it when I began the post. It came out like an automatic writing. And it definitely "rings a bell".
Sometimes the new-observer becomes strange indeed. It is like it is there but the quality of observation is not the one I can reach during meditation: it is not like "I want to take care and be attentive of what is happening" but a far simpler "It is happening alone". It is very sporadic but it happens. I see that it happened even before but I didn't noted it.Please could you describe how you sense this observer.
It is like to watch something without trying to define if the picture is color or black/white.
I feel that everything was happening even before, but it was not noted. How is it possible I never did? Being intellectual I would use the paradigm of the fish searching for the ocean. When told what the ocean is, it is kind of sad it is so silly. I AM disappointed it is so silly.
As I told you the new-observer is not the one I was used during meditation. That (type 2) was just another mind figment and this is now self-evident.There is a word, a label: "observer". When you take that word away, what are the sensations felt?
When "I" experience this new-observer snapshots it is like the new-observer can be removed without any change in perception. It is really observing. It is like I'm watching without interfering and without judging. It is not a real observer. It is the watching.
I'm probably parroting now, "I know" what to write because I already read it. But I cannot find a better definition at the moment.
About the clarification you gave me on question no.5, my "cannot avoid it" is based of no-free-will concept. It is now just "mind shit", something intellectual I couldn't care less. Please forget it. It has nothing to do with what I feel now. It is out of topic.All together it was just to show you how smart "I" am.You felt that you could not avoid doing this journey
When I experience the new-observer mode I am not in control of anything. I'm watching a movie on TV. I cannot even choose to scratch my nose. There is nothing I can choose to do.A sense of 'Life invading Alex' here..., a hint of losing control, perhaps?
It is creepy because my mind is not allowing this and trying to pull me back to standard mode.
I'm going on. I begin to feel why you lose everything, and, yes, I begin to be afraid of this because it is a jump in the dark.
Thank you Mark for your valuable help.