Pete, what I'm going to share with you is outside the scope of our inquiry, so for the moment, let's pretend identification happens and there's a self called "Pete". :)Thank you John :).
Well, at the moment I'm just trying to deal with some stuff so I'll walk through it and share:
There is some pain in the body and anxiety about something going on at work. Lots of unworthiness comes up when put in certain situations with others and I'm the center of attention.
Looking at direct experience right now is hard as the mind wants to push this away, fix it, obtain relief.
So... sensations are happening, images come up and then a tightening sensation. A sense of me... image of body seen/felt.. looking for sense of awareness, can't find a fixed point of awareness, there is just awareness happening. Looking at pain in the lower back and notice that pain in the forehead goes away, look at pain in the forehead and notice that the pain in lower back goes away. :)
As I'm looking at all this, the more calm the body becomes. The problem at work seems to fade away. If I bring the situation at work to mind, it can become very real again and thought says "I've got a problem and I need to fix it!". Instead of fighting the situation I go into the body sensations and kind of 'give myself up' to the perceived attack of others looking at / judging me. It becomes like an intense soup of images and sensations. So experiencing continues...
It seems like "I'm" not there yet because these thoughts/beliefs keep coming up. What if there is no me in any shape or form, who is there to get anything? So unworthiness sensation comes up, but there is no me that IS unworthy. Hmm.. how could anything BE unworthy... don't even know what that means.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
As you point out, the "attack" of being judged is perceived and this is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. It has nothing to do with others, but they are showing you how you treat yourself. Now, that is a fiction, but if there is a truth in it for you, use it.
Everyone seems to have a core issue of this nature: not good enough, not successful enough, a failure, not existing etc, etc. It's an aspect of the social-conditioning, is a fiction, but still, believed in fictions do seem real. In our inquiry, we're seeing that there never was anyone to be "unworthy".
Now, you can look at this sense of unworthiness directly eye to eye. When it next comes up, rather than push it away and judge it (see how this works!), do the opposite and metaphorically throw your arms around it and send it as much love as you can bear - and sit with the sensation receiving love and breathe gently through it.
You can do this at anytime.
Essentially, this "unworthiness" reaction is reacting not against the judgement of others, but that it is exposing how you feel about yourself to yourself. And most of the time, we've spent years trying to get away from the idea that we're unworthy or a failure - no matter how much it was drummed into us as kids - so the last thing we want is to have this pushed in front of our own faces.
Again, this is all the fiction of the self, some of it laid down in conditioning.
SO...GETTING BACK TO OUR INQUIRY :)
Notice what the "unworthiness" is made up of in direct experience - probably a mix of feelings/emotions and thoughts/belief-thoughts.
Look to see that feelings and thoughts show up to no-one. If you sense pockets of "Pete" in there, nod, acknowledge it and see the fiction of it in a gentle way.
Conditioning continues after seeing through the separate self which is why we have Facebook groups exploring these aspects to work through.
That's all for now, but speak soon.
With warmest wishes,
John
