Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Mon Oct 29, 2012 4:33 pm

Jonathan,

Great. Very clear and honest. Stick with that clear investigation and honesty.

Yes.. So there is just an experiencing... A an appearance... A perception... With no separate self/controller/perceiveR/tooth fairy doing shit nothing. Keep deeply looking and breaking down any assumptions.

Break down effort. Perhaps there is some sensations that may be uncomfortable? Is anyone making this effort?

When shifting between no self and identification... Is there EVER a self? Does no self suddenly happen and not happen? Or is there never a self? Look deeply in to each side of this experienced 'fluctuation'?

Yes, there are patterns of thoughts, and they may produce certain affective emotions. Let them do whatever... There is no you to control. There is no thinker of thoughts, and those 'painful' emotions arise to noone.

Again deeply contemplate SURRENDER. What does it mean for you Jonathan?

Contemplate LETTING GO. No one is in charge, there never was, and never will be.

What if I told you that you would never be able to stop or remove all the things you dislike or hate or want to change. What if I told you are totally helpless and you will never be able to get relief. Can you just accept it completely and let it be there. What if I told you would that pain and negativity will always be there? What comes up for you?

Take a day to deeply contemplate these two words, SURRENDER & LETTING GO, before you respond again.

With Love.

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Tue Oct 30, 2012 3:24 am

I've had it. This is fucking ridiculous. I've spent countless hours just sitting here, reading book after book, watching video after fucking video about surrendering and allowing and I'm just so fed up. It doesn't work for me! Just when I think that I've found a moment of peace my mind likes to throw a fucking wrench into everything. I try to visualize something positive, and my mind says NOPE and takes a shit on the whole visualization. It's TORMENTING ME. You know what I think when you say what if you told me it was always gonna be like this? I'd say I'd blow my fucking head off. I don't know where this anger is coming from. Maybe it's from the fact that I feel like I've fucked myself up psychologically from drug use and rotting in front of the computer all day looking up all these videos and books and not experiencing life and just living in the fucking past with all these regrets. I feel like all of this self inquiry has opened up repressed memories and thoughts. Like opening up a stitched wound. I can't find any goddamn middle ground. Every day is like a damn torture in my head. I have moments of clarity and beauty, but they are totally cast under the shadow of negativity and horrible habits and thoughts and self conscious feelings. I don't know what is a natural reaction anymore. Every move I make, every thought, every LITTLE THING is just judged and judged and put in a damn box of labels. Oh, I thought about this, then that must mean...Oh, I felt this, oh that must mean. And I never know how to just let it fucking go! I'm sorry if you feel like I wasted your time, man. I really am. But it's just too much to bare.

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Tue Oct 30, 2012 3:46 am

Jonathan,

I am here for you, and I can relate to what you are going through, as this was my experience before seeking ended, before Awakening happened. The most important thing that ever happened was this, this simple seeing.

However...

If you feel this is making you unstable, unsafe and you feel you may inflict self-harm, then it is not wise to continue, and it is best to confide and seek counsel from loved ones/crisis hotline.

Advise honestly where you are, and we can close this if it is indeed taking a negative turn.

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:14 am

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It's not making me feel unsafe or that I will inflict self-harm at all...just the thoughts of me doing it pass by. I've calmed down greatly...where I am right now, I just feel like maybe I should take a long break away from self inquiry. i know the act of looking is still gonna be happening, as it seems like it's become a habit i can't shake. I just feel like I don't know what's right anymore.

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:45 am

Jason,

as long as your not self-harming, or considering doing so, or have any plans to do so - Great.
I just feel like I don't know what's right anymore.
GOOD!

You are at the perfect point to see clearly and see through illusion.

Is there anything more important than Freedom?

Ready whenever you are.

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:46 am

Sorry I meant Jonathan :D

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:00 pm

There is nothing more important than freedom. I'm ready to continue.

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:07 pm

Okay Jonathan,

let's do this...

fuck videos, fuck teachings, fuck whatever arises in the form of thoughts, sensations, emotions... let whatever arise and burn and crash. Surrender is simply this... in whatever asises, that is ALL that arises... there is no YOU or ME or I that it arises to.

So... is there a YOU in any way, in any form, right here, right now?

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:31 pm

Okay, so "I" am that which arise, not what it arises to? I got really confused today when I tried to figure something out. I thought about a problem, then asked myself a question and I answered it. And the question seemed like it was presented to a me. But I understood that those were all just one thought after the other, but they seemed like they reflected each other to create the illusion of a me.

There is no ME in any way, form right here right now. There is the thought of effort. I made it a point today to look at this that is making an effort. But if things happen automatically or spontaneously without effort then that means effort does not exist.

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:47 pm

I don't know if this relates, but when I talk i can see the subtlest image of my face...like the image of the self that is believed in.

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Wed Oct 31, 2012 12:07 am

Okay, so "I" am that which arise, not what it arises to?
"I am <insert something here>" is just a thought.

You can say that there is just 'this'... this Experience, this Life... and within that arises thoughts, sensations, the sense of a self, chairs, people, sounds, tooth fairies.
I thought about a problem, then asked myself a question and I answered it. And the question seemed like it was presented to a me. But I understood that those were all just one thought after the other, but they seemed like they reflected each other to create the illusion of a me.
Yes! A stream of thoughts!
There is no thinker of thoughts.
You cannot think about a problem, just a thought about a problem.
You cannot ask yourself a question, just a thought in the form of a question, and another thought in the form of an answer.
There is no YOU thinking... there is no ME thinking... there are just thoughts.
There is no ME in any way, form right here right now.
Right... there is no such thing anywhere, ever, and there never will be!
I made it a point today to look at this that is making an effort. But if things happen automatically or spontaneously without effort then that means effort does not exist.
In anything that happens Jonathan... is there a controller/doer/agent behind any of this? or is that just another happening? just another Appearance within 'this'. just another arising.

Pick any activity... move hand up and down.... walk slowly.... jump up and down....
LOOK in Direct Experience, no speculation.
Is there a controller? an agent? a YOU controlling anything?
Or is it all just happening, including some sensations that are called "effort"?


LOOK DEEPLY again,

is there a CENTER from which things originate?

is there a CENTER to which arisings appear to?

LOOK DEEPLY again,

is there anyone or anything Looking Deeply?

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:20 am

Is there a controller? an agent? a YOU controlling anything?
Or is it all just happening, including some sensations that are called "effort"?
Absolutely not. So, in the evolution of language, do you believe this is why the confusion of a self was born? How do you believe this happened?
is there a CENTER from which things originate?

is there a CENTER to which arisings appear to?
No, there is no center. Things arise from no where and disappear to nowhere. Why does it FEEl like theres a center?

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:46 am

Absolutely not. So, in the evolution of language, do you believe this is why the confusion of a self was born? How do you believe this happened?
It seems that in childhood there is constant use of language with reinforcement (punishment, reward, social reinforcement, etc etc etc). Identification with labels occurs, then identification with thought that labels occurs... a self-referencing thought loop then just loops.
No, there is no center. Things arise from no where and disappear to nowhere. Why does it FEEL like theres a center?
This may also be due to habit, to conditioning. Sense of self, thought of self, a feeling of center do not suddenly dissapear after initial insight in to no-self. And it doesn't need to... feelings can arise, thoughts can arise, tooth fairies can arise... and it's all just arising... to noone or no-thing. None of it is personal. But.. check and see... is any of it personal? If so... where is the claimant?

After SEEing, the conditioning undoes itself, because the illusory CORE, the phantom center is seen through. It's Liberation.

Let's get back to this...

Is there any separation in experience?

Is there anything missing in this moment?

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cosmiK
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby cosmiK » Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:47 am

LOOK DEEPLY behind everything, and check, is there anything separate?

There may be layers to the onion... but the core is Empty.

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Cosmicvibez
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Re: Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

Postby Cosmicvibez » Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:55 am

There is NO separation in experience. The breathing, the heart beating, liver cleaning is happening even if "I" am "lost" in thought. The thought itself is just a thought. When my body is moving and I'm doing work, my eyes aren't rolled upward and LOOKING at a thought, the eyes are focused straight ahead but it's as if "i'M" not there. What seems like almost a video is playing that is just like a small veil...complete with commentaries and feelings that are not my own. But the body and everything around me is still flowing as usual. In this state where right afterwards 'I" notice that a thought had just happened and how identified I was with it. But that act of noticing is done by nobody...it's just a deep understanding that is happenening to nobody.


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