Does the heaviness, tiredness and bothersome suggesting in any way that something is missing?
Yes, it feels
as though the no-I-ness is missing but it may be more correct to say that the lovely 'no-I' space or blue sky is obscured by clouds. But the actual feeling is that it has gone for good.
When the experience of attachment to 'I' thoughts happens and feels so cumbersome, each time I fear the 'lovely space' will never return. However, today I am in the no-I-ness and the clouds have cleared.
When in the 'flow' there is always the feeling that I must stay vigilant so as not to fall prey to the thoughts/story attachment, because if I do slip into indentification with appearances all the loveliness is lost and done for.
Yesterday I was unable to break the clouds but this morning I sat and investigated 'what is this sense of self I feel?' I explored these sticky 'I' feelings and they dissipated. My fear is that if I do not do the investigation then 'flow' will not return/will take forever to return/may never return. I know these are only
thoughts but I won't and can't wait that long! - a feeling of pressure to shift builds. When I look to see who is creating this sense of rising pressure, it is the imaginary self. So I keep on trying until I disolve.
I don't want to have to try. There is so much passion for freedom that rises up to save myself, i think it might be a bit exhausting.
What brings this information?
The imaginary self brings everything when I'm in it. The 'I' cloaks everything including the truth.
If you look at these sensations without labbeling them - they are just sensations, nothing more.
That is true, however when the self is present they feel concrete and permenant.
With no self they are transitory and unthreatening.
If you cannot experience something, then isn’t that just a mental stuff?
Not completely clear what exactly you mean here? (it may be a translation/grammer thing)
Are you saying that if I can't experience something here and now, then it's not real in my immediate experience and therefore it doesn't exist.
eg. Despite having seen through the self 2 days ago, because I could not see through it yesterday then the no-self does not exist, only the self exists as this is my immediate, now experience?? So the memory
of experiencing no-self 2 days ago becomes just a story/mind stuff? Because all I ever have is my now -in this moment- experience. Is that what you're suggesting?
Do you see that there is only 2 options:
- either experiencing something
- or THINKING or IMAGINING something?
Yes, I see this.
But my memory of no-self and how lovely an experience it was was the driver for me to look into the feelings inside that generated this sense of 'I-ness' in the hope, and with the intention, that when seen through it would dissolve. And it did dissolve, so the thinking/imagining/memory served to get me out of it!
Is there a third option? – check. What do you find?
I experienced stuckness in 'I' (now)
I remembered the 'no-I' (thoughts)
I enquired into the 'I-ness' and it dissolved. (now)
No, there are only two options as far as I can ascertain.