No self

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:32 am

Good Morning,

I find it impossible to explain what kind of feeling is me...

I can´t explain what ,feeling like me is... its not something that is graspable, and it changes, sometimes its sad, othertimes happy, bored etc, etc. Now I feel full, since the "awakening"... before I felt empty... but yes there is a sense of fullness around the heart and solar plexus, completeness.

But its like there´s also an essence of me which I can´t describe, like a Jackieness, maybe its my personality, I´m sort of fundamentally always me. Maybe thats it, I´m my personality...???

If I don´t get back to you after 11ish, its because I may have no wifi for a few days, back online Wednesday night.

Thanks

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:24 am

Hi Jaqbert. :)

What is "personality?" Is it anything more than a word?

Please tell where "personality" is.

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:28 pm

Hello Bananafish!

Back online!

Personality is a number of traits or characteristics that I have, exclusive to me... like being outgoing, socialbalr, indecisive, gentle and so on... but no it’s nothing more than a word to describe those set of things or a set of traits.

It doesn’t exist in any physical location in the body...

Love
Jackie

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:23 am

Good Morning Bananafish

Are you still with me?

Hope all is well

Jackie

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:51 pm

Hi Jackie. :) Sorry for the late reply.

Now, would you look at what "you" are, again?
Look if there is anything like an essence of you, anywhere.

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:51 pm

Hello, welcome back!

No, I’m looking and can’t find anything like an essence of me anywhere. I honestly can’t. The nearest thing I can come to as my essence is my personality but that’s not to be found anywhere either...

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Sat Jul 27, 2019 1:22 am

Good that you noticed that!

How does it feel to discover it?

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Sat Jul 27, 2019 10:11 am

Morning : )

Well I don’t feel anything in particular.
Since I had my “awakening” I only feel a constant sense of complete bliss well being, warmth, certainty, love and fullness - words which only approximate how I feel.
I have had a few momentary uncomfortable emotions to certain thoughts or events but they quickly pass and I go back to this way of feeling : )
So I don’t feel anything on discovering this...

What does this mean? Do I already know there’s no self or something? I don’t know what I know and what I don’t know.... is this all normal after an “awakening” experience?

It’s really hard to describe how I am at the moment, I feel slightly robotic even, here but not here, as in in the world but not of the world, but not watching either, just detached, everything is nothing, and the people around me are completely mundane and sort of irrelevant, it’s really weird, sounds arrogant, it’s not meant to be it’s just my experience. I don’t love anything or anyone and but I am love myself, the world is just how it is....the people just how they are - there’s no reaction to anything anymore really.

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:01 pm

Hi Jackie.

What did you eat for dinner last night?
Please describe the dinner in details, including
the food and people there (if any) please.

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:15 pm

Hi
I ate pasta with pesto and mozzarella and Parmesan cheese grated on top and extra salt and pepper which I added, this was followed by strawberries, blueberries and blackberries with vanilla ice cream. There was also chicken, which the others ate, I didn’t eat any chicken as I’d had some for lunch.

The meal was cooked by my sister and my sister, her husband their dog and my mother were there, my sisters husband left before dessert to pick up my niece, but me and my mother left before he got back.

There was a moth and another insect in the room which my sister wanted to kill. I asked her not to and she put the other insect outside and the moth escaped our efforts to capture it and let it out.

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:18 pm

What did you feel and think when each happened?
What was the “reaction,” if any?

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:27 pm

The only reaction I had really was to the potential killing of the moth, it was a super quick “no! Don’t kill it” but it wasn’t emotional, well maybe a touch, but as I said any emotional reactions are very slight and pass very quickly.

The food was nice, fine, I enjoyed it... the enjoyment of food has increased since I had the “awakening”, at first there was no enjoyment, tastiness, no nothing, now that’s returned, but at times it seems like my experience of things like food is based on how I remember I used to feel or enjoy things. They are nice but I’m indifferent.

The conversation I found neither interesting nor not interesting, I had a few sparks of excitement at moments in the conversation but these were very brief.
I looked at the clothes catalogue and thought maybe I liked a dress, but I wasn’t sure.

I felt full after the meal and tired and wanted to leave quite soon after we’d finished.

There is a sense of waiting and something like (but not) boredom which is always with me now.

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:28 pm

It seemed unfair to kill the moth. What is the point of killing it. Yet I’m happy to eat meat... perhaps... I’m not sure if I am or not.

Bananafish
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Re: No self

Postby Bananafish » Sat Jul 27, 2019 8:35 pm

Thanks Jackie. :)

How do you see the body and mind, according to what you discovered in
what you call "awakening?"

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Jaqbert
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Re: No self

Postby Jaqbert » Sun Jul 28, 2019 12:26 am

Hi again

How do I see body and mind during the awakening:

Well mind is just thinking thoughts as always, but they don’t bother me in any way, sometimes they’re quite entertaining but they have no impact on me, I have no reaction to them, only occasionally some old beliefs come up and I have an painful emotional reaction to them but these are old patterns re-merging or maybe something for healing and I notice them and see what the movie is and then they quickly disappear. I am not attached to my thoughts at all, no aversion nor grasping. Some daydreaming - an old habit.

Mind is not clear as in no thoughts/quiet mind but I have no need or even desire at all to meditate to calm the mind (I used to practice daily - and felt less calm and more dispersed if I didn’t meditate) as it feels neither dispersed nor quiet, it’s just calm and fine all the time. During the first few days after the awakening my mind was racing a lot of the time.

Body
Old chronic pains have totally disappeared overnight, I used to have epilepsy and I think it’s gone, I cut my foot the other day and I reacted to it appropriately (similar to the moth) but I’m not really scared or worried about it ((it may have something inside the wound and it’s not certain and I am concerned about it). Occasional pains come up but very quickly go, I injured my hand working and the next day it was 100% fine, a chronic back pain has gone completely and also a pain in my wrist. I am aware of sensations in the body coming and going at times. It all looks and feels fine apart from my foot which hurts and is sore to walk on, but it’s ok too and not serious.
I found it very difficult to speak during the first few days and I still find speaking hard at times, the words don’t seem to come out at times. Like I’ve forgotten them.

I do have a strong impulse (it’s not a desire) to write and/or talk about my experience and understand it.


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