The work is understanding.
WELL! Yes and no. Having a sound understanding beforehand can in fact help in the process.
But! The real work is looking.
Looking, looking, looking.
Looking at things as they are.
I can help your desire to understand through elaboration on a few things.
It isn't likely to change anything.
But it cannot hurt either.
However! They real work, the looking, you will have to do yourself afterwards.
So be prepared and ready.
What we are looking for is the truth. (Or at least a fraction of it.)
The truth is always true. Otherwise it wouldn't be the truth.
So when looking at things as they are, we are already looking at the truth.
The fact whether you can recognise the truth already as such or not does not change anything.
Since the truth is always true.
I want to understand why did I lost it
What happened during your episodes was that personhood-inducing thought went dormant for a few moments.
The kind of thought content that keeps you in an apparent illusion disappeared and you saw things as they are clearly.
You "lost it" because this kind of thought reappeared and -despite having seen how things truly are- you happened to believe it again.
Personhood-inducing thought is for instance, from coarse to subtle:
-Thought about a "me"
-Thought about a "me" that has feelings
-Thought about a "me" that has a name and a history
-Thought giving rise to a sense of agency
-Thought giving rise to a sense of separation
-Thought giving rise to a sense of being a perceiver of a preexisting outside world
-Thought labelling raw awareness with terms like "room" and "other people"
And so on!
What we are doing here, and listen carefully:
We are not trying to reach that exact same state again. We are not trying to make this kind of thought go away.
What we are trying to achieve is for you to see, that this kind of thought content is not true.
You won't exterminate thought through this inquiry, but you will see through
You won't overpower it, but you will overcome it.
You will see that pristine awareness is present all the time.
And within this pristine awareness, there happen to appear all kinds of things and also a thought story about a person called "me". That's all!
And it's nothing bad, really! It's just an empty appearance that comes up every now and then.
Like thought about Santa Claus.
Like a tree.
Like the sound of a bird.
Do you understand?
If so, please proceed:
And also the disappointment with myself.
Wait a second.
"I am disappointed with myself"
Have a look at this sentence. Something cannot be right here, or can it?
Are there two entities in here? One that is disappointed with the other one?
Now the LOOKING starts.
Look at thought like you would look at a computer screen.
With interest and amusement.
Bring up the thought "I am disappointed with myself", then look at the "I" in the sentence.
If necessary, close your eyes and say "I" until it is right there.
Then look at the "myself".
Which one are you?
The "I" that is disappointed, or the "myself" which did the disappointing?
Or are you both of which? Or none of which?
Now expand your view:
Does this "I" or this "myself" even exist outside of this thought?
Right here and right now?