What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

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Vivien
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Wed Aug 07, 2019 8:02 am

Hi Gwen,
It feels like the 'me' is located just behind my eyes, perhaps a bit lower. I think that it's because where it feels like the thoughts are arising.
Be careful with expressions with ‘SEEMS’. A SEEMING thing is NOT an actual thing.
Every time a sentence starts with “it seems” or “it feels like” is the sure sign that what will follow is just an analogy, just the content of a thought, and not an actual bodily sensation. It’s not coming from looking at AE directly, rather from thought speculation.
Can you see this?

Please focus on the sensation where it ‘feels like’ thoughts arising.
Can it actually be observed thoughts arising from that sensation? – look very carefully
Is there ANY actual location where thoughts are arising?

V: Does this sensation communicates that it is a ‘me’?
G: No it doesn't really communicate at all. Just produces thoughts endlessly.
How is it known that this sensation is producing thoughts?
Can actually be SEEN/observed that this sensation is producing thoughts?

What can a sensation do?
What is producing thoughts?
I can look at your question "what does make this sensation into a 'me', and see nothing that makes it into a me, only that I have a belief that it's a 'me'.
Good. Then please look at this again and again and again. This needs to be seen lots of times.
Let me know how it goes.
I'm going to reread what has been written over the last couple of days to see if I can shake this belief a little.
Yes, that’s a good idea. Let me know what you find.

Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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GFree
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:56 pm

Hi Vivien!
I am glad to be looking again and again if that's what it takes to help me see what is real.
Be careful with expressions with ‘SEEMS’. A SEEMING thing is NOT an actual thing.
Every time a sentence starts with “it seems” or “it feels like” is the sure sign that what will follow is just an analogy, just the content of a thought, and not an actual bodily sensation. It’s not coming from looking at AE directly, rather from thought speculation.
Can you see this?
Yes. Thank you for pointing out what needs to be clear. The question is asking yes or no? Can I or can't I? That makes this easier.

Please focus on the sensation where it ‘feels like’ thoughts arising.
Can it actually be observed thoughts arising from that sensation? – look very carefully
Is there ANY actual location where thoughts are arising?
I cannot observe thoughts arising from any location or from any sensation. I cannot find any location where thoughts are arising - and I checked - behind my left eye? No. Behind my right eye? No. A little lower? Where is this place? It kind of sounds funny when I look at it that way. They just appear. There is a thought that they are appearing in my head somewhere, but I am not able to find the spot. No location found, no actual correlation with the sensation of pressure or energy in my head.

Please focus on the sensation where it ‘feels like’ thoughts arising.
Can it actually be observed thoughts arising from that sensation? – look very carefully
Is there ANY actual location where thoughts are arising?
No, I cannot observe thoughts arising from the sensation in my head. Thoughts just appear. I also cannot find ANY actual LOCATION where thoughts are arising.
What can a sensation do?
Of itself, a sensation cannot do anything. It is.
What is producing thoughts?
I have NO idea WHAT is producing thoughts. They just are. They appear. Attention seems to be rivited to them.

Good. Then please look at this again and again and again. This needs to be seen lots of times.
Let me know how it goes.

It's like checking for a monster under the bed. I'm looking and not seeing anything. Checking again and again and still - NOTHING. I cannot find an actual location where thoughts come. I cannot find a thinker (a mini-me) in my head or anywhere else. "I" cannot find where "I" am producing thoughts at all. Thoughts are happening. Sensations are.

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Vivien
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Thu Aug 08, 2019 2:27 am

Hi Gwen,
I cannot observe thoughts arising from any location or from any sensation. I cannot find any location where thoughts are arising - and I checked - behind my left eye? No. Behind my right eye? No. A little lower? Where is this place? It kind of sounds funny when I look at it that way. They just appear. There is a thought that they are appearing in my head somewhere, but I am not able to find the spot. No location found, no actual correlation with the sensation of pressure or energy in my head.
You did a nice looking.
It's like checking for a monster under the bed. I'm looking and not seeing anything. Checking again and again and still - NOTHING. I cannot find an actual location where thoughts come. I cannot find a thinker (a mini-me) in my head or anywhere else. "I" cannot find where "I" am producing thoughts at all. Thoughts are happening. Sensations are.
Great! Just keep looking, especially when it ‘seems like’ or ‘feels like’ as if there were a me (or a mini-me :)

Now let’s go back to investigating thoughts. Here is an exercise which points out the difference between direct experience and content of thought.

There are two types of thoughts:
(1) Verbal thought with words “Here is cup”
(2) Visual thought of a ‘cup’

So I invite you to do this exercise:
Think of a cup. Get a very clear picture in your mind. See clearly the size, shape, colour and volume of the cup. Notice whether it is decorated or plain. Notice whether it has a handle. Notice whether it is heavy or fragile. Do you have a clear picture?

Now, can you physically grasp that visual thought of a cup?
Can you pour tea into it?
Can you drink from it?

Is there a ‘real’ cup or just a visual thought of a cup?
Is there an appearing visual thought?
Is the content of the visual thought (the cup) ‘real’?


Both verbal and visual thoughts are real only as arising thoughts (as ‘containers’), their ‘presence’ cannot be denied. However, their contents, what are they about are not ‘real’, they are just fantasies. Can you see this?


Thoughts can be looked at in 2 different ways:

- seeing the CONTENT of a thought, what is a thought ABOUT
- and only seeing the thought itself (as phenomenon taking place), as a ‘CONTAINER’

When a thought is seen only as a container, and the content of a thought (what it’s about) is being ignored, is what we call the actual experience of a thought. Do you see the difference?


Thoughts as arising thoughts (the containers) are ‘real’, but their contents (what they are ABOUT) are not. Like when you think about E.T. There is an arising thought, it cannot be denied, but its content “E.T.” is not real. Sometimes thoughts point to something tangible, like chair, however a thought about a chair is not a chair. A thought about a chair is just a mental concept with an arising visual thought of a ‘chair’ but that thought is not ‘real’. However, as an arising thought is there, it is ‘real’, but not its content (what it’s about).

Certain sensations can be felt in the body that is labelled such and such emotion, like ‘cheerful’. However, ‘cheerful’ is just a mental label / thought on the felt sensation. So the felt sensation is ‘real’, the arising mental label, simply as arising label is ‘real’, but its content ‘cheerful’ is just an idea. Can you see this?

Over the course of the next day or so, I'd like you to notice the content of thoughts. Whenever there is an arising verbal or visual thought, check whether its content (what it’s about) is really happening, or the content is just pure imagination.

Let me know how it goes.


Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Fri Aug 09, 2019 5:14 pm

Good morning Vivien -

Think of a cup. Get a very clear picture in your mind. See clearly the size, shape, colour and volume of the cup. Notice whether it is decorated or plain. Notice whether it has a handle. Notice whether it is heavy or fragile. Do you have a clear picture?
Now, can you physically grasp that visual thought of a cup?
Can you pour tea into it?
Can you drink from it?

Is there a ‘real’ cup or just a visual thought of a cup?
Is there an appearing visual thought?
Is the content of the visual thought (the cup) ‘real’?
I did this exercise and I can understand the difference between the appearance of a thought and it's content. That a thought is appearing, but it's content is NOT REAL. (Caps for my own benefit). I can see that thoughts are fantasies.
When a thought is seen only as a container, and the content of a thought (what it’s about) is being ignored, is what we call the actual experience of a thought. Do you see the difference?
I can absolutely see the difference. However, some thoughts are actually helpful, and may be true in the situation. For example, the thought "What is the best thing that I could do for myself in this moment". But perhaps I digress. I understand what you're trying to explain, and I can clearly see it. I can see that the experience of having a thought is real.

I'm not sure what 'ET' means. Do you mean 'ET' from the movie? Sorry . . . .
So the felt sensation is ‘real’, the arising mental label, simply as arising label is ‘real’, but its content ‘cheerful’ is just an idea. Can you see this?
Yes, I can see how sensations in the body are real, and the labelling of them (their content) is just an idea about the sensation. And also that the thought about the sensation - or the arising label, as you put it, is a real thought.

Is there a way that I can communicate with you that will be not be posted on the forum?

Thank you again for your help in this process.

Gwen

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Vivien
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Sat Aug 10, 2019 12:27 am

Hi Gwen,

You did a nice looking.
Is there a way that I can communicate with you that will be not be posted on the forum?
Yes, you can send me a private message. There is a ‘Private Message’ button on the right top of the page, next to your username.

Here are some statements based on our investigation so far. Please read them careful, and see if you are clear on them. If any of them are not totally clear, please let me know.

- In actual experience thoughts don’t come and go from anywhere. They just there when they are there. And when they are not there anymore, then they are just simply not there.
- The supposed ‘me’ has no power over thoughts. None.
- Thoughts just appear on their own, without anyone or anything doing it.
- There is nothing that is thinking thoughts. Thinking happens, or rather say thoughts appear but without a thinker. There is no thinker of thoughts.
- Thoughts have no power whatsoever. They cannot think or do anything.
- Thoughts have no volition. There might be thoughts about intentions, but not the thoughts themselves intending or wanting it. They just ‘talk’ about wanting or intending.
- In actual experience there is not even a mind. There might be thoughts about a ‘mind’, but ‘mind’ as such cannot be found. ‘Mind’ is just an idea. Nothing more.

Look at each statement carefully. Is there anything in the above text that is not totally clear?

Here is an exercise.
Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self, put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, write down the thought itself (not just a mark). If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened, I wonder what is my daughter doing in school (‘my’ daughter), etc.

Let me know how you go and what you notice. Also please share with me what was written under others.
Then investigate the thoughts what was written under others. Are those thoughts really about others?


During the day, try to observe as many thoughts as you can. Particularly try to pay attention to narrating thoughts. Thoughts that are constantly narrating and judging what’s going on from the perspective of ‘me’.
Let me know what you find.

Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Sat Aug 10, 2019 6:59 am

Vivien - thank you for your clarity. It makes this process easier.
Look at each statement carefully. Is there anything in the above text that is not totally clear?
The above text about thoughts is totally clear. I found myself tripping a bit on the last statement about the mind, as if I didn't want to let it go. It's because Byron Katie speaks about the mind, but we had agreed to put aside all other teachers for now. So, your statements about the mind are clear.

The execise with the divided sheet of paper:
Let me know how you go and what you notice. Also please share with me what was written under others.
Then investigate the thoughts what was written under others. Are those thoughts really about others?
I was quite surprised, and this exercise was very helpful for me to more clearly see my thoughts. Really, every thought was self-referential. There were some thoughts that I originally placed on the "other" side of the paper - these were:

It sounds like it's raining outside (really - it was "I hear a sound that makes me think it's raining")
The counter looks cluttered ("I don't like that")
Was that a fruit fly that just flew by? ("I don't like those")
Or a moth??? ("I need to kill it")
Where is that thing? ("I am disturbed by this insect flying by")

There were many more thoughts, of course, but all self referencing. I was surprised to see this. I'll watch tomorrow - I'm going to be working, but I'll see how it goes . .

Thanks Vivien!

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Vivien
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Sat Aug 10, 2019 11:40 pm

Hi Gwen,
I found myself tripping a bit on the last statement about the mind, as if I didn't want to let it go. It's because Byron Katie speaks about the mind, but we had agreed to put aside all other teachers for now. So, your statements about the mind are clear.
It’s not just about putting all teachings aside. If you have a belief that there is such thing as mind, then we have to look at it.

What does the word ‘mind’ point to in experience?

WHERE is the mind exactly? Where is its location?
How does the mind look like?
What is it made of?

When the mind is being looked at, how is it recognized that this is THE mind and not something else?

And WHERE do you look when you looking at the mind?

Can the mind as such be actually looked at?
How mind as such is experienced?

What is the AE of mind? Is it a sound, color, taste, smell, sensation or thought?
I'll watch tomorrow - I'm going to be working, but I'll see how it goes . .
So, how did it go?
How many of the thoughts were about the self?
I was quite surprised, and this exercise was very helpful for me to more clearly see my thoughts. Really, every thought was self-referential.
Yes, you did a nice looking.

Almost every thought, if not all, is about the self. Sometimes it might not be as obvious, but when looked at it a bit more closely, it turns out that these narrating thoughts are always about me (in some way or another).

Actually, these narrating thoughts create the illusion of the self.
These thoughts describes ‘what I am’.
They describe my past, present and future.
They produce a story of my life.
They describe how I feel, and what I have to do.
They describe what things in the world and others mean to me and can give to me.
These thoughts define who I am and what is my relationship to the world.

Please read carefully the above sentences. Look if they are really true. Let me know what you find.

Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:13 am

Hi Vivien!

This looking has been very helpful to me! I can feel holes begin to emerge in "my belief system". Wow!
What does the word ‘mind’ point to in experience?

WHERE is the mind exactly? Where is its location?
How does the mind look like?
What is it made of?
The mind does not exist in experience. It has no location and no physicality. It is a concept.
When the mind is being looked at, how is it recognized that this is THE mind and not something else?
And WHERE do you look when you looking at the mind?
I cannot find THE mind. There is no where to look for it.
Can the mind as such be actually looked at?
How mind as such is experienced?
What is the AE of mind? Is it a sound, color, taste, smell, sensation or thought?
The mind cannot be looked at. It is experienced as another thought, or concept. No colour, taste, smell or sensation.

My experience with watching the self-referencing nature of the mind:

It was a busy day at work, but when I could, I watched - every thought was either referring to planning, narrating what was happening in reference to me, even telling me to watch my thoughts. It was like a self-focused manager. Past events and people and what they might think of me, whether I was doing a really good job, planning my next activity. I didn't realize how "self"-centric the thoughts that appear are.

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Vivien
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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:54 pm

Hi Gwen,
This looking has been very helpful to me! I can feel holes begin to emerge in "my belief system". Wow!
Great! :)
My experience with watching the self-referencing nature of the mind:

If the mind doesn’t exist since it’s just a concept only, then how can you watch the self-referencing nature of the mind?

The self-referencing nature of a concept?
Can a concept self-reference?

Is there anything doing self-referencing?


Here is an interesting exercise.

Go and make a cup of tea or coffee. As you do this notice whether a 'self' does it. Also notice if there are many or any moments in the whole procedure of going to the kettle, switching it on, getting the cup (etc) when 'you' control the process?

How the decision is made what to make a cup of tea or coffee?

Do ‘you’ choose putting or not putting milk into the tea (or coffee)?

Is there a moment of choice or it happens automatically?

Do ‘you’ 'make the cup of tea (or coffee) happen' or it just happens?

Can a chooser be located?

Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Mon Aug 12, 2019 4:38 am

My experience with watching the self-referencing nature of the mind:

If the mind doesn’t exist since it’s just a concept only, then how can you watch the self-referencing nature of the mind?
Sorry - this was a typo. I meant to write "my experience with watching self-referencing thought.

The mind could not be found. I was watching thought that continually referenced "me" and "I" .


I will do the coffee/tea exercise tomorrow. Yes - it looks interesting. I've had dinner, it's late in the evening here.

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Tue Aug 13, 2019 6:15 am

Good evening Vivien!

For some reason, it has been a very bumpy and emotional week for me. Many uncomfortable sensations felt in my body. Lots of feeling and distractions. I don't know whether it's part of this process as my belief system becomes challenged or just life, playing itself out in this way.
Almost every thought, if not all, is about the self. Sometimes it might not be as obvious, but when looked at it a bit more closely, it turns out that these narrating thoughts are always about me (in some way or another).

Actually, these narrating thoughts create the illusion of the self.
These thoughts describes ‘what I am’.
They describe my past, present and future.
They produce a story of my life.
They describe how I feel, and what I have to do.
They describe what things in the world and others mean to me and can give to me.
These thoughts define who I am and what is my relationship to the world.

Please read carefully the above sentences. Look if they are really true. Let me know what you find.
Yes, I can see how the thoughts that appear create the story of a "me". "Me" and my suffering. "Me" and the way things "should" be, and how eveyone else "should" behave. How to keep "myself" safe. Stories about the future. "Memories" of the past - which is nowhere. It makes sense to me. Why can't I just drop it?
Go and make a cup of tea or coffee. As you do this notice whether a 'self' does it. Also notice if there are many or any moments in the whole procedure of going to the kettle, switching it on, getting the cup (etc) when 'you' control the process?

I've been watching the body a lot in the last couple of weeks. It seems a little "freakish" to my thoughts, but I cannot see how "I" actually control any of it! I watched myself make coffee, after many thoughts arose about this exercise last night. It just seemed to happen automatically. No decision made whether coffee or tea. My body seemed to move of it's own accord, at it's own rhythm, moving whichever hand it wanted to manipulate the machine, reach for a cup etc. It seemed as though my body moves on it's own.

"I" noticed this earlier this year. I had retired two years ago to do some sailing, and returned to nursing in ICU again. I was nervous about coming back after such an extended length of time, but found, to my surprise, that my body just seemed to know what to do. How to move, the routine that came with assessing the patient etc. I have spent much time lately just watching my feet walk and my hands move, with no idea who is actually controlling them.

Many thanks again,

Gwen

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Tue Aug 13, 2019 6:28 am

Hi Gwen,
For some reason, it has been a very bumpy and emotional week for me. Many uncomfortable sensations felt in my body. Lots of feeling and distractions. I don't know whether it's part of this process as my belief system becomes challenged or just life, playing itself out in this way.
Probably it’s just the usual conditiongs playing themselves out, except if there is a fear or resistance to this investigation.

Is there a fear or resistance of seeing through the illusion of the self?
Or to anything that has already been seen?
If yes, could you please talk a bit about it?
Yes, I can see how the thoughts that appear create the story of a "me". "Me" and my suffering. "Me" and the way things "should" be, and how eveyone else "should" behave. How to keep "myself" safe. Stories about the future. "Memories" of the past - which is nowhere. It makes sense to me. Why can't I just drop it?
“Why can’t I just drop it?’ – What is it that is having these thoughts?
What is that can’t just drop it? Where is this one who can’t drop it?


You did a nice looking on the exercise, but next time please don’t leave out my questions. Reply to them one-by-one.
All those questions are pointers for you where to look.

1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.

Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?
Can a decision maker be found?


Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:51 pm

Good morning Vivien -
Is there a fear or resistance of seeing through the illusion of the self?
No. Excitement. Thirst to see.
Or to anything that has already been seen?
No
“Why can’t I just drop it?’ – What is it that is having these thoughts?
When I look, "Why can't I just drop it?" Is a thought arises. It's from past conditioning. When a whole line of thinking about thinking is about to happen.
What is that can’t just drop it?


There isn't anyone or anything who can't drop it. It was just a thought that was happening.
Where is this one who can’t drop it?
It was a thought. There is no one who can't drop it. There are nowhere.

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?


I don't know . . . . I couldn't find what was choosing which hand to raise.

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?
No - no separate individual or anything could be found. I noticed thoughts - "I think that whatever's choosing should switch it up a bit!", but nothing could be found to be controlling the hand.
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
No controller could be located. Noticing is happening that "I want to find the controller in my head", but no controller can actually be located.
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
Nothing can be found that makes the hand move, no.
How is the decision made?
I have no idea.
Can a decision maker be found?
No. I couldn't find a decision maker.

Thank you for this exercise and the questions.

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby Vivien » Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:43 am

Hi Gwen,
No. Excitement. Thirst to see.
Very good :)
No - no separate individual or anything could be found. I noticed thoughts - "I think that whatever's choosing should switch it up a bit!", but nothing could be found to be controlling the hand.
Thoughts make all sorts of claims, and we are checking if these claims are in line with experience. And most of time it turns out that thoughts are not in line with experience. They have no idea what they are talking about :)
No controller could be located. Noticing is happening that "I want to find the controller in my head", but no controller can actually be located.
You did a great looking. We are going to investigate the decision making process.

Please put some chocolate (or something you think you shouldn’t eat or drink) in front of you. Look at it. Inspect it closely. Smell its delicious fragrance. And pay attention to emerging desire to eat it.

When the desire is there, pay close attention to the thought process.
See how thoughts list pros and cons why you should or shouldn’t eat the chocolate.
These opposing thoughts might even try to argue or convince each other what to decide.

What is it that is considering these options?
Is there anything that is listing the pros and cons, or only just thoughts appear about pros and cons? – look very carefully


Now, make a decision, but whatever you decide, don’t eat the chocolate (yet). Rather just pay very close attention when the decision is made. Particularly pay attention to thoughts, as the decision is made.

Let’s say a thought appear: “I decided not to eat the chocolate”
So the thought about the decision just appeared. What made that thought to appear?
Can you find the thing that made that decision, apart from the presence of the thought about the decision?
How exactly the decision is made?


Now, do according to the decision. (Either eat or don’t eat the chocolate.)
What is it that performed the chosen action?

Vivien
"In the seen, there is only the seen. In the heard, there is only the heard. In the sensed, there is only the sensed. You are located neither in this, nor in that, nor in any place between the two." - Buddha
http://fadingveiling.com/

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Re: What is my experience trying to show me? Seeking what I REALLY am in Truth.

Postby GFree » Thu Aug 15, 2019 5:22 am

When the desire is there, pay close attention to the thought process.
See how thoughts list pros and cons why you should or shouldn’t eat the chocolate.
These opposing thoughts might even try to argue or convince each other what to decide.
What is it that is considering these options?
I poured a glass of white wine and placed it in front of me. I noticed thoughts about the sensation of the coldness of the wine, and the memory/story of sensation of relaxing when the wine would be consumed. And also thoughts about the future, and how it might make me tired, and how "I" don't like the feeling when I'm trying to do this process and to be present. Definite pros and cons, some seemed to have a subtle story behind a story, like thoughts that appear quickly and are gone. These were like memories of how the wine might make me feel.
Is there anything that is listing the pros and cons, or only just thoughts appear about pros and cons? – look very carefully
Nothing could be found to be listing the pros and cons. I was very aware of the thoughts that are always appearing.

Let’s say a thought appear: “I decided not to eat the chocolate”
So the thought about the decision just appeared. What made that thought to appear?
So I decided "I'm not going to drink the wine tonight. I have to work tomorrow and I want to be present" I have NO idea what made THAT thought appear.
Can you find the thing that made that decision, apart from the presence of the thought about the decision?
I could not find the thing that made the decision except the presence of the thought. But this thought itself caused a flurry of other distressing thoughts. "Well - how is any decision made? How can I move forward? What is happening here? How can I decide anything? I was going to have some chocolate with my tea, but now I feel paralyzed. How do I live my life? Who is making decisions here?" The best thing that "I" felt "I" could do at that moment was to hold awareness on those thoughts. To look at them and know that somehow they were held in "love" (is the best way that I can describe it). That there was a vibration sensation in "my" chest that was able to be aware and be okay with not knowing the answer. Does that make sense?
How exactly the decision is mad
I don't know HOW the decision was made. The decision was another thought "I'm not going to drink the wine tonight"
What is it that performed the chosen action?
The body of Gwen performed the chosen action. So smoothly and easily. Seemingly without thought or volition. Just did it.

Gratitude is the emotion that is being felt right now. Just gratitude.


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