Thank you again for your questions. Once again I want to express my gratitude for your guidance.
I am feeling frustrated by the steady stream of thoughts and my focus on them. While I was at work, when I could, I observed by body moving, almost disassociated from it. However, I work in a fast paced, intensive environment where a lot of thinking is required. Mixing drugs, responding to emergent changes in patients and situations etc., so I found that I needed to stay with my thoughts.
With these questions, these pointers and the way we need to communicate, I find it engages the thinking process in a way that takes me out of "being", or "knowing" or whatever we are calling it. It's like thoughts intrude on what is happening. It's only LOOKING, experiencing where there are brief insights that occur before the steady stream of words tries to define what is essentially indefinable. It's frustrating, and I'm getting worried that I won't get it.
Yes. So focusing happens on its own, without anything doing it.
And thoughts adds narration saying that “I am the one who is focusing’.
But in experience, there is no focuser at all.
Only thoughts talk about the focuser, but the focuser is not there. It’s assumed to be there, but actually there is nothing there.
Can you see this?
Yes. With focusing, there is only focusing happening. Beauty and aliveness in what is. Life. Flowing. Happening. Somehow the focus is also part of the whole.
Just as wind is blowing. What is blowing the wind? Is there a blower?
Or the rain is raining. What is doing the raining? Is there a rainer?
Focusing is happening. Is there a focuser?
No. There is no focuser.
I notice that I hold a belief that somehow there is a controller or focuser located somewhere behind my eyes. So much data comes in through my eyes. I close them to filter it out, but still there is a thought that somehow "I" am behind my eyes. I honestly can't find it there. What is location anyway?
Or is it just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that "one thought follows another thought"?
I noticed that thoughts occur very randomly, with no sequence, no logic. One follows another. Jumping and spinning from topic to topic. Sometimes generated by a noticing, an emotional text received. Some stickier than others, repeating in sequence.
What does generate thoughts?
Sometimes it will occur after a noticing and will be commenting about what was seen, interpreted, labelled. But I do not know what generates it, in experience. I could theorize, but I think it is drawing me away from the actual experience of what is happening.
What do the thoughts belong to? What owns them?
OMG - I do not feel this answer in my bones, but I can answer that they don't belong to anyone. They are not personal! What a huge relief, not to have personal thoughts! Freedom!
Is “I” a place where thoughts appear, or is “I” a thought that arises and subsides by itself?
I can't find a place where thoughts appear, although, as I wrote earlier, it seems that I hold a belief that they appear somewhere behind my eyes. "I" seems to be a concept, or a collection of beliefs that I have. A sticky and pervasive one. I am looking looking looking.
Eagerly awaiting your guidance . . . . .