Looking for a guide. I'm 28 years old, have been sitting since I was 19. Have been practicing self-inquiry for about a year. Feeling that the time is ripe to see through this illusion of self or "I". Fear arises. Yesterday, read a little bit of Gateless Gatecrashers and looked into my experience along with the participants. I saw/experienced the following:
Right now, have many thoughts referencing an "I" but see them more as deluded with no "I" behind them. The "I" is seen more as a linguistic marker. I am much more able to accept that there never was an "I". Plenty of fear, embarrassment, worry: my regular mental tendencies showing up, but am less likely to take possession of them. I recognize them more as part of a stream of experience, along with thoughts and other sensations.Disbelief and resistance at first that there is no self. Then, fear and sadness when this possibility is accepted. Inside, I see a field of blackness, nothingness.
Behind the fear, I encounter a luminosity, a Being, another “nothingness” but this is more alive. It engenders both sadness and joy simultaneously. I can rest in this more. Perhaps this is just my imagination, however…
There is nothing, nothing hat needs to be protected. But the fear is still there.
Fear, panic, and worry at the idea that there is no manager. That my life will fall to pieces if I am not in control. Then, disbelief that there is no one in control. Somebody HAS to be in control. Otherwise, who is typing this right now? It’s just not possible. These are my thoughts and emotions right now in response. [A little later.] There’s still a fear there, but I accept more the possibility that there is no manager. That all this happens of its own accord. I am able to rest in it more, be more at peace with that.
When I look inward I see that there is no self. But I worry that I may not be looking in all places for the self. What about this body I feel? Is this not “me”?
Would love some help from here. Thanks.