totally confused

Welcome to the main forum. When you are ready to start a conversation, register and once your application is processed a guide will come to talk to you.
This is one-on-one style forum, one thread per green member.
User avatar
niall
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:45 am

totally confused

Postby niall » Thu Aug 30, 2012 6:18 pm

I'm a 53 year old guy living in Dublin, Ireland. I've been seeking the truth of myself for the past 30 odd years I guess The journey has taken me to I suppose about a half dozen teachers and endless reading of books and all the rest that goes with the endless spiritual search.
The first teacher I really got into was an Australian guy called Barry Long, that association lasted about 12 years and more recently I became very interested in non duality and stared attending meeting with Tony Parsons, I suppose i attended maybe 30 meetings with Tony but haven't seen him now for maybe a year.
Parsons was the only teacher that really made an impact on me in so much as I totally understood that the being I am is empty and within that emptiness stuff just arises and falls away with no individual 'I' controlling anything.
I'm really grateful to Parsons for imparting that knowledge to me, but I'm afraid it still pretty much is just that - an intellectual knowledge. Although I do get periods of clarity when even though things in my life are pretty shitty I can also see/sense/feel an okayness about everything. That's the best way i can describe it - things can be very rough and at the same time, simultaneously I feel a lightness of being or something, as if life is there just dancing in the background while I continue on with all my individual worries and problems.
I've also suffered with addiction pretty much all my adult life and I have to really question myself about wanting to find out the truth of my self. What I mean is I feel if I discover who I really am things will improve on the addiction front.
Is there anyone out there who has become liberated and suffered with addiction, I wonder? Can anyone help me?

User avatar
s-p-a-c-e
Posts: 4316
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:52 pm
Contact:

Re: totally confused

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:31 am

Hi Niall,

Good to meet you on the forum. I'm John from the UK. We can work together towards you seeing that which is already the case - if you'd like me to be your guide.

There are a few ground rules here to keep everything on track:

- We try to post every day - really helps to keep the momentum rolling.
- We share our direct experience rather than second-hand descriptions - this is yours to see.
- As the guide, I ask the questions for you to respond to from your experience.
- Just be as plain and honest as you can with your investigations. Thank you.

I am not a teacher in any way, shape or form. Even if I was, there's nothing I could teach you that you don't already know at some level.

If you are in agreement, I'll be happy to walk together with you to see what is to be seen.

With best wishes,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

User avatar
niall
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:45 am

Re: totally confused

Postby niall » Sun Sep 02, 2012 10:47 am

Hi John,

Thanks for your reply, sorry about delay in getting back, just saw your mail now. I'd love to give it a go John, really love to.

I've noted the ground rules and I'm gonna brush up on how the forum actually works re quoting and posting.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

All the best,
Niall.

User avatar
s-p-a-c-e
Posts: 4316
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:52 pm
Contact:

Re: totally confused

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:20 am

Hey Niall,

Great to see you! :)
Hi John,

Thanks for your reply, sorry about delay in getting back, just saw your mail now. I'd love to give it a go John, really love to.

I've noted the ground rules and I'm gonna brush up on how the forum actually works re quoting and posting.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

All the best,
Niall.
Reading your post, I think Barry Long was one of the first books I ever read. It was yellow, that's all I can remember. :) Thank you for sharing some of the journey that has brought you here.

For the purposes of working together with you to see what is already the case, our focus will remain essentially on seeing through the fiction called "Niall".

Loved your piece about "I feel a lightness of being or something, as if life is there just dancing in the background".

Niall, be great if you could share some more about the following:

1. What you are looking for?
2. What do you expect to happen, once you see that there is no "Niall"?
3. How would you describe "Niall"'s existence right here, right now?

All the best,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

User avatar
niall
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:45 am

Re: totally confused

Postby niall » Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:39 am

Hi John,

Yep, I remember that Barry Long book; bright orange/yellow colour, can't recall the title either though.
To be very honest John I'm really confused at the moment in so much as I don't know if I've clearly seen the truth that I don't exist and never did and now there's just a lot of difficulty dealing with all the years and years of conditioning and behaviour patterns that still arise or if there is still a Niall trying to figure everything out.

You ask 'What am I looking for?'
First reaction is to say 'just the truth of life', how life actually works in reality. But along with that there is a desire for a smoother life. There's also a very definite thing about feeling spiritually superior - 'I know something you don't know' kind of thing going on. I feel quite stupid admitting that.

You ask 'What do I expect to happen, once I see that there is no Niall?
I have to come back to the smoother life that I mentioned above. There is very much an expectation that suffering will at least be very much abated if the truth is discovered, as there is no doubt that it's Niall that suffers. As i write this I'm immediately reminded that suffering just happens. That's what I mean by I'm not sure if I have seen through the 'I' or not.

How would I describe Niall's existence right here, right now? There's an excitement running through the mind as it tries to convey a lot of ideas and thoughts. This is reflected in the body as an increased heart beat and there's also a sense felt feeling of frustration at not being able to convey clearly what's happening now with Niall - that one is very strong at the moment, like I'm just not doing this right or something.

Don't know if that makes sense John.

I don't

User avatar
s-p-a-c-e
Posts: 4316
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:52 pm
Contact:

Re: totally confused

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:45 pm

Hi Niall,

I really look forward to reading your posts and deeply appreciate your honesty - which takes real courage.
One of my old teacher's favourite sayings was, "Confusion is the first step to clarity". That was annoying. :)
Hi John,
Yep, I remember that Barry Long book; bright orange/yellow colour, can't recall the title either though.
To be very honest John I'm really confused at the moment in so much as I don't know if I've clearly seen the truth that I don't exist and never did and now there's just a lot of difficulty dealing with all the years and years of conditioning and behaviour patterns that still arise or if there is still a Niall trying to figure everything out.
That's cool Niall. Nothing has to be this way or that. Everyone's process is what it is. In a way confusion can be good because it's shaking up what had been thought to be the case i.e. that there is a socially-conditioned "Niall" who is Niall who runs the show. Like shaking a bottle of fresh apple juice, you plonk it on the table, and it's all misty and foggy, but eventually, it settles down and the clarity comes through.

So we'll just take it step by step - much the best way.
You ask 'What am I looking for?'
First reaction is to say 'just the truth of life', how life actually works in reality. But along with that there is a desire for a smoother life. There's also a very definite thing about feeling spiritually superior - 'I know something you don't know' kind of thing going on. I feel quite stupid admitting that.
Thank you for your comments.
You're in my top 1% honest people now! :) Far more than I ever was! LOL

Feeling stupid has it's benefits, because it's an indicator that we're now identified with "I". The "I" who wants to impress, to get approval, to be seen to be knowledgeable, superior, etc (am surprised it's got time for a coffee!) :)

Actually, it would be enlightening to sit down for coffee with our "I" - you know, chew over old times. Imagine that. Before taking back the keys to the mansion. :)
You ask 'What do I expect to happen, once I see that there is no Niall?
I have to come back to the smoother life that I mentioned above. There is very much an expectation that suffering will at least be very much abated if the truth is discovered, as there is no doubt that it's Niall that suffers. As i write this I'm immediately reminded that suffering just happens. That's what I mean by I'm not sure if I have seen through the 'I' or not.
These are realistic Niall. No unicorns or rainbows - which is good. We'll set them aside for now as we continue on together to see what is already the case: "Niall" has done a job getting you to here and it's time for early retirement.

"That's what I mean by I'm not sure if I have seen through the 'I' or not."

You'll know it when you see it - and you will. It is already the case; it's a matter of seeing that what we thought was the case, was not quite as it appeared.

For example, consider yourself right now without the label, the name, "Niall". Who is left? What is left?
How would I describe Niall's existence right here, right now? There's an excitement running through the mind as it tries to convey a lot of ideas and thoughts. This is reflected in the body as an increased heart beat and there's also a sense felt feeling of frustration at not being able to convey clearly what's happening now with Niall - that one is very strong at the moment, like I'm just not doing this right or something.
In a way, there are two worlds: one with labels and a labeller ("Niall") and one without. The one with labels believes that "he" needs to be in control, run the show. The one without implicitly trusts LIFE to run the show of which he is part.
Don't know if that makes sense John.

I don't
Doesn't need to make sense. What is seen makes no sense. When "Niall" gets out of the driving seat, and yet the car goes all by itself. That makes no sense either.

Have a sit with this message for a while and some of the questions therein, notice what you notice, and report back. Take your time, there is no rush. We'll walk along together.

All the best,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

User avatar
s-p-a-c-e
Posts: 4316
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:52 pm
Contact:

Re: totally confused

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Thu Sep 06, 2012 10:37 am

Hey Niall,

How's it going?

All the best,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U


Return to “THE GATE”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 2 guests