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by Jillian1
Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:53 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

The words are simply a transmutation of energy.
Hahaha! Interesting. I meant transmission, not transmutation.
by Jillian1
Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:28 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

And to imagine that the light is passing straight through the body, as if transparent, through the other side.
Haven't felt this one yet....love the idea. Working on it.
by Jillian1
Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:26 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Communed with the tree again. It's BLOSSOMING! So ecstatic! I wept and wept. There is this thing in my head and chest climaxing, an energy as if it is about to orgasm. Thoughts were spilling all over the road: "I'm enlightened--hooray!" Followed by grasping. "If I'm enlightened, I can't know I'm enl...
by Jillian1
Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:12 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Something remarkable! Seeing is happening EVERYWHERE. There is no longer a seer. There is an experience of looking out. But this has little to do with seeing. The looking out is an experience of wonder. The seeing was being used as an act of separation. Without the image of the body, there is no sen...
by Jillian1
Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:52 am
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Hi John, Your advise was well taken. It was a relaxing day. Things almost seem back to normal? Some observations: Sometimes it is clear nobody is running the show. Yet things are being done. The body is more relaxed. Digestion functions better. There is more awareness of hunger and fullness, and mor...
by Jillian1
Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:12 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Dear John, Thank you for your soothing words here. Last night I read your story in the archives. Now I am inspired to tell you my story about love. As an infant you could have put a demon or an angel in front of me and there would have been no judgement. Pain made me cry, pleasure made me smile. But...
by Jillian1
Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:18 am
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

The thought comes: "I'm going to go type." Then the body moves, following instructions? In dreams there is no delay between thoughts and the activities of those thoughts. In life there is a mysterious delay. Many thoughts don't happen because other thoughts arise to shift action in another direction...
by Jillian1
Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:32 am
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Okay the "I" is back in full swing! Your last question really stung. Not only do I get to disappear--but without even a sound, with no trace at all. I never existed. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! I'm now sitting with the resistance and pain your question struck. Please keep your questions ...
by Jillian1
Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:54 am
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

After I wrote last there was a lot of sobbing, and then a sense of peace followed by strange body convulsions. The internal images, sounds, body sensations grew so loud they were off the charts. Inside the head were voices saying don't resist, relax. Lots of body contractions, fits, nightmares. HELL...
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 8:00 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Good spot on the witness front.
Witnessing--
it's the last act of desperation,
the last hand held up
against the flooding in
of light.
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 7:35 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Thank you for being so understanding and so eloquent. Please continue....
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 6:39 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

John! I'm surrendering more deeply now. After sending that last post great discomfort arose. I see how I have constructed a whole identity around myself as a meditater. As if being a witness would somehow save me from the tidal waves of existence. But I'm not immune to any of it, no matter what I co...
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 5:30 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

I see now I had an expectation that I would learn some new trick to make this experience of flowing constant. Perhaps there is no such trick? At times it is very easy to remain in a state of grace. At other times I have to study everything, and be vigilant with my practices to work my way back to it...
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 4:51 pm
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Reading your post, thoughts flow forth: "John doesn't like me anymore." "I can't get this." "I'm somehow incapable of seeing." "I'm too much in my head." "I'll never get it right." etc. When the thoughts hit there is a trembling in the stomach. This mean "I'm" believing them--right? It feels like so...
by Jillian1
Sat Jan 30, 2016 7:33 am
Forum: ARCHIVES
Topic: Desperate to see! Can you help me?
Replies: 82
Views: 8442

Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

I was just re-reading our thread. Wow! I see places where I bolted. Sorry. Thank you for hanging in there with me, and being so generous and loving with your attention and energy. I have a suspicion I responded defensively to your "stranger exercise?" I think I did so because I was having a hard tim...

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